How To Survive a Horror Movie

1. No sex. At all. To be safe, no masturbation, either, and do not get naked.
2. No drugs or alcohol.
3. Never go out to investigate strange noises.
4. Never split up when you are in a large group.
5. Never say, "I'll be right back," because you won't.
6. Never watch a horror movie while you are in a horror movie.
7. Remember that dark alleys and basements are under no circumstances "safe zones".
8. Neither mock nor laugh at death or monsters. They hear all and will take vengeance.
9. Immediately run if you hear any of the following phrases: "A boy's best friend is his mother," "Here's Johnny," "I see dead people," "Let Jesus fuck you," "Thinner," "A census taker once tried to test me," or, "I wanna play a game".
10. If your car just happens to stall while near an old mansion in the rain in a rural area, it was probably planned.
11. Don't take a shower, because some whacko will probably be right there waiting. (The perv!)
12. Just stay away from summer camp.
13. FORBIDDEN NUMBER!!! FORBIDDEN NUMBER!!!
14. Strange noises are never "just the cat". For the love of God, you don't even own a cat!
15. Avoid plaid shirts like mad.
16. Zombies take advantage of falling. Pay attention to the ground at all times.
17. Pay attention to the crazy old guy, town drunk or scientist. They all have useful advice.
18. Screaming acts as a magnet for the mentally unstable.
19. Curses do not have a "sell by" date. Being on an ancient Indian graveyard will not help this.
20. Stick to a location near other people. Ever wondered why maniacs target log cabins?
21. Someone has escaped from the local prison? You might wanna tune into that report.
22. If you anger a gypsy, make it your number one priority to make peace immediately.
23. As a rule of thumb, any place other than your house is not safe.
24. Come to think of it, your house isn't too safe, either. Try building a panic room.
25. Oh, wait, never mind.
26. MULTIPLE OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER! MULTIPLE OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER!!!!
27. When a scary ventriloquist dummy turns up in the mail, don't leave it in your room, get the hell out of your house!
28. Easygoing nice guys with monosyllabic first names, their girlfriends, and children all automatically win in the end.
29. In contrast, slutty goth bitches, fat deputies, and jocks never do.
30. If you are lucky enough to, oh, say, knock out a madman with a shovel -- for the love of God don't drop the shovel and run away. YouSTAY there and BEAT HIS ASS DEAD WITH THAT SHOVEL.
31. Listen to the audience; they are way smarter than you will ever be.
32. Go for the eyes. Psycho killers are unnerved when you kick them in the groin, unless they're pussies.
33. Do not take this so called "shortcut".
34. If you do, take a close look at the bloody cars in the pit and keep a gun in your pocket.
35. The police are useless and will distract you. Throw a donut off a cliff to get rid of these pests, make sure you get their guns first.
36. If you are in a forest with wood stick figures, you're screwed. Might as well kill yourself.
37. If a little kid tells you that he saw a ghost or a scary man, BELIEVE HIM!!!
38. Pay attention to musical cues.
39. ANOTHER MULTIPLE OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER! ANOTHER MULTIPLE OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER!!!!!
40. If you're black, you will have the best advice, but you will become the scapegoat and die first anyway.
41. On the plus side, you get to say "motherfucker" a lot while you're still around.
42. Watch out for twist endings.
43. HOLY SHIT, LOOK BEHIND YOU!!!!
44. Ha! Gotcha.
45. If the killer has a mask of some kind, tear it off. Somehow this has a greater priority over killing them.
46. Say "fuck" a lot. It helps build tension.
47. Above all, just use your basic common sense.
48. Oh, wait . . .
49. Don't scream or your ass is cooked.
50. Huge boobs spell death.
51. Since the audience won't care enough to remember your name anyway, consider name tags.
52. YET ANOTHER MULTIPLE OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER!!! YET ANOTHER MULTIPLE OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER!!!
53. Do not fall asleep. Ever.
54. Consider the possibility that you've been dead since the movie began.
55. Or maybe you are the killer!
56. If an item has "evil"/"demonic"/"cursed"/etc in its name/description, this is NOT your cue to start playing with it.
57. The previous rule goes DOUBLE for any sort of "Puzzle box", especially one that is said to open up a portal to Hell.
58. Never trust a wish-granting device/person in a horror movie; either the wish will come true with some horrible, ironic twist, or it will exact a terrible price (e.g. your SOUL, your kidneys, your genitals, all three, etc.)
59. The full moon is not a good time to go out and "watch the stars in the country".
60. Stay out of phone booths.
61. Be extra extra careful in any movie subtitled "The Final Chapter"; they'll try to squeeze in a higher body count.
62. Don't tell people the rules! Just let them die and get the fuck away from Ghostface, Randy, you bitch!
63. If you happen to be Paris Hilton, run around in circles out in an open field, yelling, "Oh, someone save me!" This way the killer can go after your retarded ass, buying time for everyone else. Why? 'Cause most of the world considers you a bloody waste of oxygen, slut.
64. All things considered, wouldn't you really be doing the world a favor by dying, anyway?
65. HOW MANY MULTIPLES OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER WILL WE GO THROUGH??? HOW MANY MULTIPLES OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER WILL WE GO THROUGH???
66. Never hide around the corner. The killer can still see the camera pointing at you.
67. If you have a gun and see something mutating, do not stare, SHOOT IT!
68. If you kill one small creepy slug/spider/incect thingy, it will have either lots of friends or a big mama near by to kill you.
69. make sure to wear contacts, glasses will fall off the worst of times.
70. Fog and night is your worst enemy, so stay in the sun as long as possible.
71. Always have someone sit in the back seat of your car, so that the evil ghost chasing you will not appear their, and tell you if there is the murderer in the car.
72. Lure aliens somewhere else with food. Failing food, throw an unliked member of your party in front of them and run. Failing an unliked member of your party, convince the alien to go vegan.
73. OH MY GOD SERIOUSLY LOOK BEHIND YOU!!!
74. Shit, how many times are you gonna fall for that?
75. Do not shower or take a bath, stay far away from the bathroom, or yo will be pwned.
76. Didn't we already cover that? Ah who cares...
77. Do not watch any videos that your friends beg you to watch, it is cursed.
78. OKAY THIS IS GETTING OLD!!!!!OKAY THIS IS GETTING OLD!!!!!
79. If your TV/Computer/PSP is cursed and a ghost is coming through, turning it off will not stop it, nor unplugging, so... break the screen.
80. If a place looks old and haunted, it defently is.
81. Do not run, you will trip, break your leg, and the villain will catch you, the slasher knows you will, that is why they never push themselfs.
82. God will not help you, ever.
83. After killing the monster, stab it a couple times more just to make sure it's dead.
84. Avoid picking up hitchikers. At all costs.
85. After someone says "Look behind you!" and is just teasing you, when they say it again, be sure to run as fast as you can. Do not say the words "I'm not falling for that stupid trick one more time" or any variation on those words.
86. Always say the Ezekiel 21:6 when you someone gets killed. That way, when he tries to kill again, he'll miss the victim.It's called " Divine Intervention"(btw....D.I. is an invention of Samuel L.Jackson).
87. Always have a dog with you.
88. If the dog goes towards the dark, and than you hear him squeeel, RUUUUUN!

kudos!

Ultimate Cheat Codes

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Asian

I'm an asian.. and I approve of this post :P

Top Ten Ways to be the Perfect Asian Kid

10. Aspire to be a doctor or a lawyer.

9. Pick out an Ivy league school, and talk about how you're totally going to go to it, all the time.

8. Eat noisily and open your mouth way wider than necessary when inserting small pieces of food, preferably rice.

7. Never get laid. Never. But, talk about getting laid like you get laid all the time.

6. fall for pranks only a complete retard would fall for (i.e. reading " I am sofa king we todd edd" out loud).

5. Shop at American Eagle.

4. Learn to speak Latin, and pretend like you don't like it.

3. Say your parents beat you when you don't get A's.

2. Get beaten by your parents when you don't get A's.

1. Be a total douche, try and make people mad at you as often as possible.

Top Ten Ways to be the Perfect Asian Parent

10. Ask all your kid's friends over the age of 21 if they have a boy/girlfriend yet.

9. Ask your child, "What are you going to do with your life?" if he/she majors in a non-science field.

8. Continually remind your child of how fat he or she is if said child is not 30 pounds underweight, or otherwise does not look anorexic.

7. Incorporate no phrases besides, "Did you study yet?" into your daily conversations with your children.

6. Give your son a bowl haircut or your daughter two acres of bangs.

5. Reveal all the intimate details of your kid's life to the entire Asian community.

4. Blatantly hint about the merits of Hahbaado (Harvard), Yeilu (Yale), or Purinsuton (Princeton).

3. Never be even a little lenient on the 4:00 P.M. curfew.

2. Ai-yah loudly at your kid's dress habits.

1. Always ask where the other point went when your child comes home with a 99/100 on his/her test.

kudos!

How To Fight insomnia

1. Go to bed and get up at the same time every day, even at the weekend. As Ben Franklin said, "Early to bed and early to rise makes a man want to hang himself." As Dorothy Parker said, "A man who's early to bed and quick to get up makes a girl happy."

2. Try eating a high carbohydrate, low protein snack approximately 1 hour before going to bed. Many recommend 20 pecan pies, a gallon of mashed potatoes, and a quart of Wild Grandad™ whiskey. Or you can eat a Scotsman. They have a layer of blubbery goodness which makes them a perfect high-carb snack.

3. Avoid exercise at least 3-4 hours before going to bed. Better, avoid exercise altogether. In fact, both your heart muscle and your lungs are exercising most of the time. Stop both and you will go right to sleep.

4. Avoid caffeine or alcohol at least six hours before going to bed. Also avoid LSD, crack cocaine, Ecstasy™, magic mushrooms, gunpowder, kittens, impalement, and Irishwomen for at least six hours before going to bed. (Although some may claim that alcohol helps them to sleep, it actually interferes with the brain's sleep cycle and the major benefits of sleep are lost. You do not sleep well when you are laying in a puddle of rancid beer puke. And the same goes for Irishwomen. In fact, laying in a puddle of rancid Irishwomen is illegal outside Ireland.)

5. Try and get at least 30 minutes of exercise every day. If you cannot exercise, try napping. If you can't nap, try exercising. If you can't exercise before a nap try taking a catnap before exercising before your nap.

6. If you can't get to sleep after half an hour, get up and do something such as conquering France, Mexican dancing, trampolining, flying to the moon, or attaining enlightenment.

7. Avoid reading or watching anything alerting or thrilling straight before going to sleep. If you are thrilled by life itself, try dying before you go to sleep. If it's almost time to go to bed, but you are wasting your time on a lame site like Uncyclopedia, for instance, you know you just failed at step 7. Turn off the computer or anything that uses electricity right now, especially street lamps, roadsigns, clublights, and central heating.

8. If you feel extremely tired in the morning, you should take the day off school or work as you will only become stressed and worsen your situation. Just keep sleeping. Sleep. Just crawl under the covers and forget job, forget school, forget your family....you disgusting, irresponsible, lazy slug-a-bed.

9. Make sure you sleep in a comfortable position. Bats sleep hanging from the ceiling. Try that. Or do like a shark -- immerse yourself in 50 fathoms of water and try to stay there all night.

10. Make yourself a 'worry book' in which to write your psychotic fantasies and evil thoughts. This will clear your mind of worries before going to sleep -- either that or you will become obsessed with it and unable to think of anything but rewriting polishing editing rewriting the worry book.. When you cannot go straight to sleep, use the book to pound your own forehead.

kudos!