Joke 4

In an office building there was a blonde and a redhead working for a brunette.
Now on fridays the brunette would always go early leaving the blonde and redhead to lock up the office.
One friday the office was running slow and there was nothing else left to do so the blonde and redhead decided to sneak off work early and made a pact not to tell their brunette boss.
The blonde went home and when she opened her bedroom door she found her boyfriend and her brunette boss having sex.
She imediately slammed the door and panicked.
She thought to herself,
"Oh my god! I better get out of here, i cant let her know i got off work early"

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A man is talking to God.
He asks Him, "what is a million years like to you?"
"Like one second," God replies.
"Oh, well, what is a million dollars like to you?"
God says, "Like one penny".
"Can I have a penny, Lord?" the man asks.
"Sure, just a second"

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A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."

When her two tennage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

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A man was driving down the interstate at 85 miles/hour with his new Porsche. A police officer observes him and begins a high speed pursuit. The man sees the policeman in his rear view mirror and thought "Yabai!", so he proceeded to speed up and tried to outrun the cop. They were both zooming down the interstate at 180 miles/hour when the man suddenly came to his senses and thought that to avoid any more complications and problems, he should pull over.

And pulled over he did.

When the officer approached the vehicle, he said, "You better have a damn good explanation why you were speeding away! You know that you stand with more against you now because of your speeding away?!" The guy replied, "The reason why I ran is because, you see, 2 months ago my wife left me and ran off with a cop. When I saw you in my rear view mirror, I thought you were trying to bring her back!"

The officer replied, "Oh, I see. Have a nice day!"

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Michael Jackson Jokes

Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A. From a catalogue.

Q: Have you heard about Michael Jackson's New Book?
A: It's called "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing”.

Q. How do you know Michael Jackson is having a party?
A. There are a bunch of tricycles in front of his house.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and the Detroit Tigers have in common?
A: They both wear one glove for no apparent reason.

Q: Why was Michael Jackson spotted at K-Mart?
A: He heard boys' pants were half-off!

Q. What's the difference between Mr. Potato Head and Michael Jackson?
A. Michael Jackson has had more noses.

Q. What do Michael Jackson and a jockey have in common?
A. They both ride three year olds.

Q. What's the worst stain to try and remove from a little boy's underpants?
A. Michael Jackson's makeup.

Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A. One is plastic and harmful to children, the other is used to carry groceries.

Q. What does Michael Jackson consider a perfect 10?
A. Two 5 year olds.

Q. Why did Michael Jackson decide to have a boy of his own?
A. Because it's too expensive to rent them at $2 million a pop!

Q: What do Michael Jackson and a Big Mac have in common?
A: They're both 44 year old meat between 10 year old buns!

Q: What's black on the inside, white on the outside, and comes in little cans?
A: Michael Jackson!

Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Richard Pryor?
A. One got burnt doing Pepsi, the other got burnt doing coke.

Q: What was the foundation that Michael Jackson and Richard Pryor started?
A: The Ignited Negro College Fund!

Q: Why did Pepsi fire Michael Jackson?
A: Because he was caught sucking on a Squirt!!

Q. What does Michael Jackson reminisce about?
A. Blowing his first nose.

Q. Who is the greatest person ever?
A. Michael Jackson - he was born a poor black boy in Gary, Indiana and grew up to become a rich white woman in Europe.

Q. What did Elvis say after seeing Michael and Lisa Marie on television?
A. "Boy, that's a relief. I though she married a black guy!"

Q. What did Lisa-Marie Presley say to Michael Jackson when he proposed?
A. "Yes, I'll marry you. But promise me one thing -- no kids!"

Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley?
A. About two dress sizes.

Q. What was Michael Jackson thinking on his wedding night?
A. "Now Lisa-Marie can give me a little boy of my own."

Q. What were Lisa-Marie's newlywed complaints about Michael Jackson?
A1. He leaves the lid off the mascara, causing it to dry out.
A2. That battleaxe Liz Taylor never calls before she comes over.
A3. She suspects he's using her to get to Elvis' bones.
A4. He touches her kids more than he touches her.

Q. Why did Michael Jackson cross the road?
A. He saw someone blowing bubbles and thought he'd join in.

Q. Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?
A. He thought it was a delivery service.

Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
A: Because they aren't his!

Q. How did Michael Jackson get in trouble?
A. He was feeling a little Randy.

Q. Why does Michael Jackson like children so much?
A. He knows how they feel.

Q. What did Michael Jackson say when he got back to Neverland Ranch from drug rehab?
A. You know, I feel like a new boy!

Q. How do we know Michael Jackson is guilty?
A. Several children have fingered him.

Q. Where does Michael Jackson go to find a date?
A. Boys 'R Us.

Q. Why is Michael Jackson so tough?
A. He can lick any kid on the block.

Knock Knock! Who's There?
Little boy blue! Little boy blue who?
Michael Jackson!

Michael Jackson was on a ship with 100 cub scouts when it hit an iceberg and started to sink. The captain announced, "We're sinking! Everyone abandon ship!"
Michael Jackson asked, "What about the children?"
The captain replied, "Screw the children!"
Michael Jackson looked around eagerly and said, "Do we have time?"

A little boy goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God a male or a female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, God is both a male and a female."
This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well, God is both black and white."
At this, the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks,
"Is Michael Jackson God?"

Michael Jackson asked his wife's doctor how soon after the birth could he have sex.
The doctor told him he should wait until the kid is at least 12 or 13 years old.

Did you know they're putting out a Michael Jackson stamp?
People get to vote for the white or black Michael Jackson.

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A drunk as usual arrives late at home and begins to yell: "Honey, open the door, I'm bringing flowers for the most beautiful woman in the world." The woman comes down running, opens the door and says: "So where are the flowers?" And the guy says: "So, then, where's the most beautiful woman?"

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I have wondered about this and now it is very clear!
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%...
How about achieving 103%?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
What makes up 100% in life?

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26,

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4 5 = 100%
.......And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T = 21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND,
look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G = 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While, Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, And, Attitude will get you there, Bullshit and Ass Kissing will put you over the top.
Unfortunately, this does prove to be true in society nowadays.

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Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other Woman yells out window, "P I G !"
Man yells out window, " B I T C H! "
Man rounds next curve...
Crashes into a huge pig in middle of road.
Thought For The Day: If only men would listen.

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In a bar, two guys:

-Gee, that blonde looks so awesome!
-Don't even think about that, man, she's a lesbian!

Nonetheless, the first guy approached her.

-Excuse me, sweetheart, could you lend me a match?
-Sure. Hey, listen. I've noticed you seem interested in me, so I've decided to grant you your wish. (Sexily) Would you like to see the wonderful legs of a woman?
-Well... sure.

She splits her skirt and shows him the most beautiful legs the guy's ever seen...

-Now, would you like to see some fabulous tits?
-Well, yes.

She opens her blouse and lets him see beautiful, rigid, turgent and tight breasts.

-Now, then (seductively!) would you like to smell the juicy cunt of a female in heat?

The guy cannot believe his luck. How come they told him she was a lesbian? He could not contain the erection any longer...

-Yes!

And then the blonde slowly approaches him... and breathes on his nose.

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These are from a book called Disorder in the Court.
These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters-who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an Autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.