Joke 7

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor began the lecture by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the ar$e of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the ar$e of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

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While walking out of Hillary Clinton's office one day an elected Democrat is tragically hit by an ACLU truck full of crèches, crosses, and Ten Commandment monuments, and dies. The Democrat's soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see an elected official around these parts, let alone a Democrat, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Democrat.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity," St Peter says.

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the Democrat.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules," St Peter says.

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a beautiful green golf course with a big sign saying, "Welcome to Hell."

In the distance is a luxurious club house and standing in front of it are all his Democrat friends and politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and elegantly garbed in fancy evening dress.

The Democrats run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people when Bill Clinton was president.

They play a friendly game of golf and then amble over to the club house dining room to dine on lobster and caviar washed down with champagne.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy and is wearing a Hillary for President button. He is a wonderful host and joins in the dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before the Democrat realizes it, it is time to go.

All the other Democrats give him a big hug and wave while the elevator doors open. "Come back soon," they all laughed.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven," he says.

So the Democrat joins a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp, and singing.

They are having a good time but, for a Democrat, it was very boring and the Democrat felt really threatened when the group started praying. "This is too much like being in a sectarian church," the Democrat grumbled. Before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose where to spend eternity."

The Democrat reflects for a minute, then answers trying to be politically correct: "Well, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but after thinking it over, I think I would be better off in Hell."

So St. Peter smiles and escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, Down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and the Democrat is in the middle of a barren wasteland covered with garbage and discarded Elect Hillary Clinton for President signs. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash, putting it in black bags, moaning and groaning.

The devil comes over, glares at him, lays his arm on his neck, and hands him a stack of garbage bags.

"I don't understand," stammers the Democrat. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club house and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a garbage dump and my Democrat friends look so miserable."

The Devil looks at him, laughs his evil laugh, and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

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Today Jimmy asked me to be his girlfriend, but I don't know well what that is, so I decided to find out for myself. I decided to spy on my sister and her boyfriend. When the boyfriend appeared they went toward the sofa, sat on it and began talking for quite a long time... then he turned off almost all the lights and began hugging her and kissing her...

Then she began getting sick, because her face was turning very strange... Her boyfriend must have been thinking the same thing because he stuck his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, but it seemed like he was having trouble finding it. I thought he was also getting sick because there was a moment in which both became breathless...

He must have had a cold right hand because he stuck it under my sister's skirt, but it only made matters worse because she began jumping and flailing all over the couch... I thought she had a fever because she was telling him she was hot and couldn't wait anymore... Then I discovered the cause of the sickness: it was an enormous worm that had stuck inside my sister's boyfriend's pants.

He grabbed it with the hand so it wouldn't escape. When my sister looked at it she was shocked, her eyes went wide and said that it was the largest she had seen. She got angry and tried to kill the worm by ripping off its head with her mouth.

Suddenly she made a strange sound and let the worm go, I think it bit her. Then she grabbed it with both hands to clinch it better, while the boyfriend took out a little rubber tube from a little box and put it on the stupid worm's head so it wouldn't bite her. She lied down and opened her legs so as to apply a scissors hold on the humongous worm.

The boyfriend helped her trap the worm and a huge fight erupted. She began jumping and yelling like crazy, they almost broke the couch. I imagined they were going to kill the worm by crushing it between the two... After a while they stopped moving and gave out a sigh because they were tired after this great battle. The boyfriend got up. They were so sure they had killed the worm... I knew that the worm was dead because it hung without moving and some part of its brains was hanging out through its head.

My sister and her boyfriend were very tired from the fight, so then, to rest, they caressed each other... but the worm wasn't dead yet, it was ALIVE! It jumped again, and it almost surprised them, luckily my sister saw it and attacked it aided by her boyfriend in another terrible fight. This time my sister tried killing that seemingly immortal worm by sitting on it. After several minutes of fighting they were able to kill it... and this time it was really dead because my sister's boyfriend ripped out its skin and threw it into the toilet.

I think worms have as many lives as cats, and that's why dating truly gives me the creeps... I'm going to tell Jimmy not to bother.

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A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an air plane.
The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game.
The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep.
The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game.
He explains,"I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.
Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5."
Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.
The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50! "
Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game.
The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.
Now, its the Engineer's turn.
He asks the Programmer,"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?"
The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50.
The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.
The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?"
Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep

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A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings.
After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.
Before she says a word,
Bob says "I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman raps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower,
"Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.