jokes 6

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries,paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework,then set up the and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper,he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, Lord,I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

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The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels,
two by two Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy!
No way could the redneck top that, they thought.

The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three whores in a tent.
They are three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!

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There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club after a round, showering and getting ready for the 19th hole. Suddenly, a mobile phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up and the following conversation ensues: (H-Husband, W-Wife)

H: "Hello?"
W: "Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?"
H: "Yes."
W: "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?"
H: "What’s the price?"
W: "Only $1,000."
H: "Well, okay, go ahead and get it if you like it that much."
W: "Ahh, and I also stopped by a Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
H: "What price did he quote you?"
W: "Only $60,000."
H: "Okay, but for that price, I want it with all the options."
W: "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
H: "What?"
W: "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s for sale! Remember the one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, and beachfront property?"
H: "How much are they asking?"
W: "Only $450,000, a magnificent price! and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover."
H: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, just bid up to $450,000. Okay?"
W: "Okay sweetie, thanks! I’ll see you later! I love you."
H: "Bye, I love you too."

The man hangs up and closes the phone’s flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The man raises his hand while holding the phone and asks, "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

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A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge, "said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge, " said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge" said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge, "said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days,
the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery
and the blood was toxic.
They all decided! That the rectum should be the boss.
The moral of the story? The ass hole is usually in charge