Joke 3

Man said to God --- Why did you make women so beautiful?
God said to man --- So that you will love them.
Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb?
God said to man --- So that they will love you.

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Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish samurai. "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his katana and swish, the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two. "What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Samurai Number Two, show me what you do."

The Chinese samurai bowed, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his katana and swish, swish, the fly fell to the floor neatly quartered. "That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Samurai Number Three?"

The Jewish samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, releasing one fly, drew his katana and swoooooosh, flourished his katana so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around! In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead." "Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish samurai.
"Dead is easy. Circumcision . . . that takes skill!"

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A Husband and wife are getting ready for bed.
The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman.
My face is all wrinkled,
my boobs are barely above my waist,
my bum is hanging out a mile.
I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby"
She turns to her husband and says.....
"Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself"
He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice........
"well......there's nothing wrong with your eyesight".

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A woman three months pregnant falls into a deep coma.
Six months later, she awakes and asks the nearest doctor about the fate of her baby.
"You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine," says the doctor.
"Luckily, your brother named them for you."
"Oh shit, not by brother! He's an idiot!
What did he call the girl?" "Denise," the doctor replies.
Thinking that isn't so bad, she asks,
"And what did he call the boy?"
The doctor answers, "Denephew." ...... nice :)

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Saddam Hussein dies and goes to hell.
The devil eagerly awaiting, welcomes Saddam.
"Why hello Saddam. I've been expecting you!
Let me take you on a small tour of hell.
After the tour, because you were a freakin' terrorist on Earth,
I will allow you to choose your destiny in hell.
And don't worry, it won't be as bad as usual
punishment is since you've served evil during your life."
The devil shows Saddam all the realms of hell.
"Now", says the devil, "I will show you 2 of your possible destinies.
"2???!!" replies Saddam.
"I thought you said I may pick my destiny?!"
The devil replies, "Where the HELL do you think you are??????
Anyway Saddam, here are you two choices...."

The devil shows Saddam a room with Hitler in it chained to a wall,
getting whipping and burned.
Saddam tells the devil, "Oh, I don't think I could handle that.
My skin is too sensitive for being whipped and burned." "OK" says the devil.

Next the devil shows Saddam the other room.
In it is Bill Clinton chained to the floor, and on top of him is Monica Lewinski giving him a head job. Saddam eagerly jumped at this opportunity saying
"I'll take this a my eternal punishment!!!!"
The devil smiled and said
"Ok Saddam, it's now your fate for eternity! Monica, you can leave now!"

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Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you.
This will be your home for all eternity.
You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life.
Now, since you've got me in a good mood,
I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.

" Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.

He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine.
To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner.
Without hesitation, Bill says, "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.
Satan locks the room after Bill.
As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer.
"Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan.
"The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't..."
"What about the PC?" "It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.
"And it's missing three keys." "Which three?" "Control, Alt and Delete."

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Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
Mary suddenly jumped into the deep end.
She sunk to the bottom and stayed there.
Jim promptly jumped in to save her.
He swam to the bottom and pulled Mary out.
When the medical director became aware of Jim's heroic act
he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital,
as he now considered him to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Jim the news he said,
"Jim, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged
because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient,
I think you've regained your senses.
The bad news is, Mary, the patient you saved,
hung herself with her dressing gown belt in the bathroom.
I am so sorry, but she's dead."
Jim replied, "She didn't hang herself. I put her there to dry." .... LOL

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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says,
"We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them,
the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says,
"Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks,
but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on . very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

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this joke had a lot of versions but it always gave me a good laugh.....

3 guys were stuck on an island having been captured by a bunch of cannibals.
The cannibals were about and ready to have them for lunch.
The cannibals ask the 3 if they had any last requests before dying and being eaten.
The 3 guys requested to be given a chance into being let go.
The head chief cannibal says, "Fair enough.
But you must follow the rules in which we set for you.
If you successfully pass our test, you will be let go."
The 3 men agreed to the chief's generous offer and awaited for the instructions.
The chief instructs, "Each of you must go out and gather 10 of the same type of fruits.
You may pick whatever fruit you wish, but you must come back within 10 minutes and await further instructions, or you will be instantly killed!"
So the 3 men go out and gather their 10 fruits of choice.

The first guy comes back with 10 apples.
"Chief. I've gone and gathered my 10 fruits and came back as you've instructed."
The chief replies, "Good, good! Now, for your task....
You must shove those 10 apples up your asshole WITHOUT making ANY noise or gestures!
If you can complete this task successfully, you will be set free."
The first guy begins shoving those apples up his hole.
1,2,3,4.... and after the 5th one, he yelped in pain.
He was instantly killed.

The second guy comes back with 10 little blackberries.
"Chief, I've returned with my fruits of choice.
What happened to the first guy?"
The chief replied, "He failed.
Now you must complete the task which I've set."
The chief explains it and then the second guy figures that it'd be no problem because it was only these small blackberries which he had to shove up his ass.
So he went.... 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 and on the 9th berry, he suddenly burst out into laughter and was immediatley killed.

In heaven, the first guy asked the second guy what happened.
"I thought you were going to get away with it.
Why'd you laugh? Did it tickle?"
The second guy replied, "No it didn't tickle!
It was all going so good until I seen the third guy running back with 10 pineapples"


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Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve,
this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road,
when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.
Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas,
the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated
and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident.
Question: Who was the survivor?
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Answer:
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

**** Women stop reading here, this is the end of the joke.
**** Men keep scrolling.
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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus,
the woman must have been driving.
This explains why there was a car accident.
****Men Keep scrolling
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By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading,
this illustrates another point: Women never listen.