joke...joke....joke part 2

taken from the same site.....
here's the 2nd batch...
not as funny as the first..
but it might tickle ur funny bone...

A bus full of ugly people die in a wreck, so they all leave their bodies and go to heaven. As they stand in line to enter Heaven, God decides to grant each of them one wish because he felt sorry for them for being so ugly all their lives.

SO the first person says "I want to be beautiful."
SO God made it happen. The second person says the same thing, so God grants that too.

THis continues throughout the whole line. Each person wishes to be made beautiful, and God grants it. Then God notices a guy at the end of the line that is laughing like a maniac. As each person turn to be pretty, he keeps laughing, and he laughs harder and harder each time.

When that man finally gets to the front of the line, God asks him what his wish is. The man, still laughing, looks up to God and says, " I wish they were all ugly again"

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Is God black or white?

A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?" After thinking a moment, his mother responds, Well, God is both male and female."

This confuses the little boy so he asks, "Is God black or white?" "Well, God is both black and white." This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?" At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers anyway, "Honey, God is both gay and straight." At this, the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Is God Michael Jackson?"

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The Geography of a Woman

Between the ages of 18-21 a woman is like Africa or Australia.
She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21-30 a woman is like America or Japan.
Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30-35, she is like India or Spain.
Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between the ages of 40-50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq.
She has lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes.
Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50-60 she is like Russia or Canada.
Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60-70 a woman is like England or Mongolia.
With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future. After 70, women become Albania or Afghanistan.
Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man

Between the ages of 15-70 a man is like Zimbabwe ­ruled by a dikk.

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Guidelines on men....

The nice men are ugly.

The handsome men are not nice.

The handsome and nice men are gay.

The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.

The handsome men without money are after our money.

The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.

The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.

The men, who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money, and thank God are heterosexual, are shy, and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!

The men, who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

Who understands men? Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.

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What Women do that Men Never Do

1. Use a wash cloth in the shower
2. Talk baby talk to a pet
3. Ask, “What are you thinking?”
4. Insist on the toilet seat being down
5. Order a Salad at McDonald’s
6. Sleep in a double bed even if she’s single and unattached
7. Collect dried, useless flowers and call it “potpourri.”
8. Fantasize about jewelry or chocolate
9. Fantasize about being married and having kids
10. Reject men, but keep them around just in case and say “But can we just be friends?”

What Men do that Women Never Do

1. Pee in the shower
2. Brag about a new lawnmower
3. Say “pull my finger” and fart
4. Read the paper on the toilet
5. Loosen his belt after a meal
6. Carry a ton of loose change in the front pocket
7. Say in bed “Don’t worry this won’t hurt.”
8. Fix cars as a hobby
9. Use the floor as extra shelf space
10. Fantasize about dating women young enough to be their own kids
11. Fantasize about making it with two women who do each other