Rantings of a Heartbroken Man Pt 1: Heartbreak Hirosue

saw this post by heartbroken and it's damn!! nice!!!
the typical reaction of a fan would have whe you're idol just got married....
i'm starting to see myself having this kind of rantings...
here's he's post:
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I’m not a Ryoko Hirosue fan. I’m just MADLY IN LOVE WITH HER! The difference between being a fan of a pop idol and being a man in love with a woman that he can never have is that, while the fan untiringly scours the Net for every last morsel of information about the object of his admiration, the poor lovesick sap (read: me) desperately tries to forget the object of his adoration and get on with his life. That is one of the main reasons I don’t keep myself updated with her private life. Then there’s the little problem of language barrier. Most of the sources are in Japanese, which I find so difficult to read. Every time I go about the task of decoding a piece of Japanese text, I’ve to be armed with three dictionaries (including a humongous Nelson kanji one) and other grammar textbooks.

Imagine my shock when I stumbled upon the news on the Internet about her shotgun wedding!!! (I can’t believe I got the news 14 months late! I must be the biggest idiot on the face of the planet. I feel bad enough as it is so please, there’s no need to about bashing me. Please don’t rub it in…)

I was shocked. I was devastated. I was crushed. I felt a sickening tightening of my chest, like someone was sitting on it. I couldn’t breathe. I was gasping for air. My heart thumped and thumped furiously inside my ribcage as if it was about to burst. I felt as if my heart was being stabbed over and over again. The veins in my head were pounding; I couldn’t think. I looked at the mirror; my face was white and blank, without any hint of expression. My world has been shattered like the proverbial house of glass and everything is tumbling around me. I tried to scream but not a whisper escaped my lips. I tried to cry but not a single tear streamed down my cheeks. The pain was unbearable. It was so much worse than any bodily pain ever inflicted upon me in my entire life. My will to live was gone; pried from my fingers in that terrible instant. I was ready to collapse and die there and then. They would’ve found a rotting corpse, clutching his monitor. The autopsy report would’ve read, “He died from a broken heart”. But I didn’t. Somehow I survived. I felt the same way for days. Every time I think of her (just every second of every minute of every hour of every day), all those sickening feelings would come rushing out like a bursting dam and I would just freeze in my tracks. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. Food tasted like cardboard to me. I find myself jolted up in the middle of the night in the pangs of a panic attack, gasping for air, struggling to breathe, with my heart pounding as if someone was squeezing it with his bare hands. Initially, upon finding out, it was shock and disbelief. Now it’s grief and a terrible sense of helplessness and despair. I went through the whole gamut of emotions: shock, denial, grief, despair and yes, even rage. Despite all this feelings raging within me, threatening to tear me into a thousand pieces, there is a terrible sense of loss and emptiness inside. It’s as if part of my soul has been torn from me. I can’t smile anymore. My ability to feel joy is gone, perhaps forever. I’m like a zombie, a walking corpse devoid of a soul. She had brought so much joy to my life. But now that joy has turned to pain. My life would be forever changed. I will never look at her the same way ever again; and that is the greatest tragedy.

It’s been more than a week since and after seeing how happy she was about being a new wife and mother at the press conference, I feel somewhat at peace with it and have accepted it, though the pain hasn’t subsided. If she’s truly happy and found her true love, then I’m genuinely happy for her, however hurt I may feel. (Happy and hurt at the same time, I’d never thought that was possible.) I just want her to be happy; my own happiness is a distant second. It may take weeks to recover. It may take months. It may take years; even decades…I doubt I’ll ever recover. How can you ever truly recover after losing the love of your life. I’ll go through life constantly thinking of her, forever carrying this thorn in my heart. Forever burdened with this terrible thing called love. Forever scarred by love lost. “It’s better to love and lost than to have never love at all.” I used to believe that. Now I’m not so sure…

I’m glad I found this forum. I needed someplace to vent. I needed to pour my heart out. Not even those closest around me really have any inkling of how deep my devotion…my love…my adoration for this girl is. Sure, they may have gathered that I’m just a ‘fan’ of hers. That I ‘like’ her. That I have a ‘crush’ on her. (How could they not since I constantly gush about how great an actress she is, buy and watch her stuff religiously and have posters of her plastered all over my room.) There were many times before I was tempted to declare my undying love for this sweet angel to the whole world (well, to those people I know at least), but then good sense brought me back to earth; what would they think? “This guy’s nuts.” “Poor pathetic, delusional fool.” I’ll be a laughing stock. I’ll be snickered at and ridiculed for the rest of my life. “Get a life, bozo”, they might say. “Find a real girl for pete’s sake, wilya.” (Speaking of good sense, I wish Ryoko had used her good sense…*sigh*. But that’s a whole ‘nother story.) They’d send me to the shrink, or worse, have me committed! They would never understand. And thus I locked up all my feelings for her deep within the walls of my heart and bear it silently for the pass four and a half years. But now…Normally I wouldn’t have bared my soul in a public forum such as this, but this pain is too severe for me to bear alone. I can’t stand it anymore… I don’t care anymore… This is my soul laid bare, my declaration of love for Ryoko Hirosue for all posterity to witness!!! I’m writing this as a therapy for me, sort of a healing process. I find it...cathartic.

On a lighter note, it’s kinda comforting to know there are some people who feel (well, almost anyway) as devastated as I do. At least you guys can grasp what it feels like to carry a torch for someone you’ve never met before. It’s like a support group for me. Bexpress, I know exactly how you felt when you first got the bad news. You’re a man after my own heart. So, bexpress and ren, does it get any easier after a year? I better sign off now. I’ve taken enough of your time and the forum’s space as it is. Thanks for reading. I’m off to my dungeon to grief…

(End of part one. I may be back with a sequel if there’s a demand…)

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You're probablly thinking.. Who's this Ryoko-chan..
well as for me she's one of the most.. talented, kawaii and high pitch idol in Japan,
damn!! can't take her out in my mind after watching Summer Snow.. it's a tear jerker.....