Joke..Joke...Joke

Damn!!! too bored right now
scrap some webby to entertain myself....
time to show some jokes i really like..
kudos to JDorama

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CLASS TIME The class was very noisy just now because there
wasn't any teacher, but now everyone suddenly
turned quiet. That is because the fiercest teacher
in the school had entered the class. Her face is
as fierce as a lion which will bite anyone's head
off if offended... And if you wanna know more....
follow the lesson.

Students: Good morning, teacher.
Teacher : (shouting) Why is it only good morning? What about afternoon and night?
Students: Good morning, afternoon and night teacher!
Teacher : That is unacceptable! It is too long. Just wish me best regards for my whole day! That is much better as it is easier and full of meaning. And that greeting can also be used for all times.
Students: Best regards teacher!
Teacher : That's better, sit down! Listen today I,m going to test you all on words that have the opposite meaning. When I say a sentence or word, all of you must answer quickly the opposite meaning to the words, understand?
Students: Understood teacher!
Teacher : I do not want any disturbance!
Students: (silence)
Teacher : Clever!
Students: Stupid!
Teacher : High!
Students: Low!
Teacher : Popular!
Students: Calafare!
Teacher : Wrong!
Students: Correct!
Teacher : Stupid!
Students: Clever!
Teacher : No!
Students: Yes!
Teacher : Oh God!
Students: Oh Slave!
Teacher : Listen to this!
Students: Listen to that!
Teacher : Quiet!
Students: Noisy!
Teacher : That's not a question, stupid!
Students: This is an answer, clever!
Teacher : I'm dead!
Students: We're alive!
Teacher : I'm lazy to teach!
Students: We are hardworking to learn!
Teacher : Enough! Enough!
Students: More! More!
Teacher : Stop! Stop!
Students: Start! Start!
Teacher : Why are you people so stupid?!
Students: Because I am someone clever!
Teacher : Lack manners!
Students: Taught enough!
Teacher : O.K. Lesson has ended!
Students: K.O. Lesson has not started!
Teacher : Enough, stupid!
Students: Not yet, clever!
Teacher : Stand up!
Students: Sit down!
Teacher : I said CALAFARE was wrong!
Students: We said POPULAR was correct!
Teacher : You people are dumb!
Students: We are gifted!
Teacher : All of you must stay back this afternoon!
Students: Released tonight!
Teacher : (Keep quiet, gather her books and went out)
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"Women's English"
Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = No.
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry...
We need = I want.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what ever you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave, and you sweat a lot.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead,
AND.........

"Men's English"

I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage! You look tense,
let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you.
What's wrong? = What stupid self inflicted psychological trauma is it now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question?
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now!
I love you, too = Okay, I said it. Now can we have sex?
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before.
Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy. then maybe sex?
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with others.
I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I'm gay.

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A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade.
My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter
than she is I think I should be in the third grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained
to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.
If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back
to the first grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal
thought a third grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
"I think Harry can go to the third grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal,
"Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks : "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry: after a moment, "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question!

Harry : "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: "What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy,
oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes
out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he
could stop the answer was given.

Harry: Bubble gum.
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up,
a woman do sitting down and dog do on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K'
that means a lot of heat and excitement?
Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"Put Harry in the fifth grade, I got the last 7 questions wrong.

********************************

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the
road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and
crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.

The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he
stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and
immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129."

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced
himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from
her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg
again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129."

Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh
is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him meaningful
glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest
rushed to retrieve a Bible and looked up Psalm 129. It said, "Go
forth and seek; further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you
may miss a great opportunity.